答案優(yōu)選首先第一段and from 2008 to now I'm at xx middle School.中from 2008 to now 用法有誤：to后不能加副詞，你可以改成and now I'm at xx middle School。
第二段and listen to music 中l(wèi)isten 應加ing。還有I especially like to listening 中應該把to去掉，因為當表示所喜歡的是某人的愛好時最好用like doing sth
第四段IT is not only good learning environment but also owns an advanced education system and science.中not noly，but also用于引起并列結(jié)構(gòu)也就是說only 和also后都應該加相同的句子成分或句式。但你的句子中only后加的是表語，而also后加的卻是謂語和賓語。你可以把is換成has然后挪到not only的后邊。還有This makes me yearning to study in the Canada, want to study abroad一句中最好用yearn原型，want前的逗號應改成and。再者
I think also got the support of your family,完全是中國式英語。句中also用于be或助動詞后 實義動詞前。think后也不能直接加got這類過去式或過去分詞。此句應改成I also want to get the support from your family.然后I aspire to learn not disappoint them to my expectation中問題很大I aspire to learn沒問題。但想說不辜負他們的期望not disappoint them to my expectation是不對的。應改成and I will come up to their expectations of me.記住不管立志學習和不辜負期望是不是兩件事，你總得在中間加個and吧（不能加逗號哦）。還有now后跟的句子不能用將來時應該用一般現(xiàn)在時（有時也可以用現(xiàn)在進行時）
第五段If I could study in Canada, I am planning to major in natural science中if引導的條件狀語從句的時態(tài)是主將從現(xiàn)。所以應將could換成can，am planning換成will plan。I really like natural science since childhood一句中since是副詞后面怎能加名詞呢應改成sinceI was a child.
這一句My plan is to complete my courses in senior high school in order make further progress in my English and Through my hard work was the ideal university study of natural science.
中in order to do sth.為了做某事to不可省略。and后面的through應該小寫并且and后面的句子缺少主語。所以先把and改成to然后加上go to my ideal university to major in natural science.還有The reasons for it are as follows不好。若改成Here I want to share the reasons with you會不會更好呢？ China is my motherland一句改成It's China to support me and I shouldn't forget her favor會不會更好呢？ I have duty is to come back 一句中有了have 和is兩個謂語，明顯錯誤，至少應該改成my duty 或改成It's my duty更好.最后一句give a young ambitions man a chance to realize his dream.中ambition不可數(shù)也最好不用作定語你可以改成give a young man full ofambition a chance to realize his dream.落款在右側(cè)你應該改成：
sincerely，
xx
August 30th，2010
不必寫Date這個詞 有sincerely也不用寫yours
希望我說的對你有幫助